We were not, as a civilization, meant to be contacted by produce.
This had been discussed. Not explicitly, but everyone on the Resource-K search force understood the principle.
Signals through pulsars: acceptable.
Through quantum foam: ideal.
Through fruit: absolutely not.
And yet, today at sixteen minutes past second dusk, a signal arrived from the third planet of a middling star in the Orion Arm. It routed directly through our spaceship's microtrace detection beams to my auditory processing console.
I answered only by accident, I swear, tentacle over my hearts.
"Hello?"
My translator indicated the high-pitched voice belonged to a tiny human female.
"Ring ring! Banana phone!" the tiny human said.
"Greetings."
She gasped. "Ohmigosh! Are you an alien?"
"No," I said. "You are."
Behind me, Commander Thle covered four of zer eyes.
"Nuh-uh! You!" she giggled.
I learned my interrogator's name was Emma. She was five Earth years old, or six, depending on whether having her birthday party early counted. She had eleven best friends and wanted me to be her twelfth.
"Do you eat bananas?" she asked.
"No."
"But they're so yummy!"
"I don't waste resources." Especially those necessary for survival.
A door slammed somewhere near her. A distant female voice shouted her name.
Emma whispered urgently. "Alien, I'm in big trouble."
My tentacles gripped the console. "What's wrong?"
"I took the emergency baking banana."
Heavy footsteps. My hearts lurched.
Emma gasped. "Oh no!"
The receiver screeched. Frantic tiny footsteps and ragged breaths filled the speakers.
"She's chasing me!"
My hearts pounded. "Why?"
"Banana bread!"
Translation results: DANGER: minimal; QUALIFIER: yummy. My breathing slowed. "Ah. Yummy."
Giggles. "What do I do?"
"Hide," I said.
A skid. Emma squealed, "I'm under the table!"
"Excellent cover."
We listened as footsteps pounded past.
"Still there?" Emma whispered.
"Yes."
"Good. You listen better than the grownups. I think she's using another one."
My auditory flaps perked up. "Another what?"
"Banana."
"I thought there was only one?"
"No! She bought a bunch cause they were going bad."
I turned slowly toward Commander Thle.
"How many?" I asked.
"Six!"
"Can you get more?"
"Duh! Like a bajillion!"
Translation results: at least 100 billion.
"Excellent." I muted my console.
All of Commander Thle's eyes glowed yellow with joy. "Natural reserves confirmed?"
"Yes. Abundant."
"Accessible?"
"Apparently left unattended on kitchen counters."
Around us, the relay deck ignited like a supernova. Resource-K Acquisition lit first. Then Navigation.
I unmuted. "Emma?"
"Yeah?"
"Thank you."
"For what?"
"For helping end our quest."
"Okay."
The adult voice yelled. "Emma! Hands!"
"I gotta go. Talk tomorrow, alien friend?"
"Yes," I said, before thinking better of it.
The transmission ended.
I looked through the viewing pane at her blue-green home, so different from the smog-choked skies of my own. With a bajillion-strong supply of Resource-K, my home could breathe free again.
Commander Thle nodded toward the Fighter Fleet. "Set course. No mistakes like last time."
I shuddered, thinking of that tiny red-brown planet exploding to dust. This time, we'd extract the valuable resources first. Resource-K rich bananas. And Emma from Earth.